Growing Up Step-Mom

    I"m thinking of writing a book called, "Growing Up Step-Mom"  Do you like that title?  I think I really like that title. My role as a step-mom has probably been the hardest job I have ever had.  Since I do not have natural children, quite yet, I can't compare.  But I have a feeling I will have an easier time mothering my natural children.  I guess natural children is the term I will use for now...even coming up with terms can be a task.  I"ve wanted to blog on this for awhile now, but I waited until I had a little more clarity in what I wanted to convey.  There are so many things I can share on this subject.  I think for this post I will pick two.  One will be a light-hearted cute story from my experience as step-mom, and the other will be a lesson that I'm just now learning-a lesson that has cut like a knife I must add yet so worth it.
    Okay, cute story first:  Like I said in my profile I married Mr. Barnett in 2003.  It was November to be exact.  So, May of 2004 was my first Mother's Day.  The Wednesday before Mother's Day I went to pick up the girls from church where, of course, they made Mother's Day gifts.  Breanna age 9 and Little Miss Blake who just turned 6 on the first of May came out with little cute potted-looking plants.  It turns out the little potted plants were really dirt cakes with fake plants on top and even had little rock candies.  Breanna sees me sticks out her plant and says, "Here I made this for you".  My heart leaped for joy knowing that she didn't have to give it to me.  She could have taken it home and given it to her mom.  Blake was kind of silent for just a small moment.  I thought maybe she was debating if she wanted to give it to me or her mom.  I didn't want her to feel that she had to give it to me so I didn't say anything.  Then this cute little new six year old looked up at me and said, " I made mine for you too, but you can't have it because I licked it all the way around".  Priceless- I know!  I suppose these are some of the things that keep a mom going.
    Now, for a lesson learned.  First, I might have to tell another story to set-up a better picture of how being a step-mom feels to me.  This story takes place maybe a year or two down the road from the previous story.  I think Blake was somewhere around 2nd grade which would put Breanna in about 5th grade.  It was the night of the children's Christmas play at church.  Breanna and Blake were adorable in their farmer outfits that I scoured the thrift stores to find....plaid shirts and overalls.  The eye liner freckles and pig tails I put on them definitely made them even cuter. I sat and watched them beaming from the stage their big smiles and eyes locked on their mom.  I realized at that moment that although I took them to and from probably 98% of the practices, found their costumes, and put together little baggies of snacks when it was their night to bring it I was not the person that they searched to find in the audience.  I remember realizing that night this would probably be a similiar story through out my role as step-mom.  I was determined to give them everything I had anyways.  I've put all I have into being a step-mom.  After more than seven years I'm learning that I am worn out.  The girls don't really make Mother's day presents anymore.  They are wanting to be around their friends more than their parents.  Yet, here I am still cooking for them, cleaning up after them, spending hours thinking about them, planning birthday parties and special events, and making sure they feel loved.  I am blamed for a lot of things I do not say or do.  Situations are exaggerated and one-sided when explained by them to other people.  I am rude to them, but they are never rude to me.  Their needs and feelings matter, but mine do not. They can make mistakes and be forgiven instantly, I make a mistake and they don't want to come over anymore.  A few months ago I said aloud to God, "I'm all out of love for them, I need more of Your love to fill me.".  I've been loving them the best that I've known how and now it's time to go deeper into love.  If you have ever tried to love in a hard situation then you know what I am trying to convey.  My role in their life is just as confusing to me as it probably is to them.  Being the adult in the situation does not mean that I know everything and that I am perfected to the degree of never losing it or at times being unloving.  And being children does not mean that you are innocent-those terms are not always interchangeable.  I think that statement becomes more true during teenage years which is where I am at right now with them.  Realizing that you are not as loving as you thought you were is painful.  And people love to point fingers and accuse.  But that's okay, because I will come out on the other side able to love people deeper than I am loved by them in return because I am emersing myself in the love of God and His Love Never Fails

Silence

I was silent for awhile.  Trying to figure some things out.  In a long process that has proven to be quite painful; however, I have full confidence that it will produce gold in me. So, maybe, you will see more posts from me soon....maybe.

Mandate

I love a certain song by Misty Edwards.  I'm going to try and remember it to the best of my ability. I don't want to take the time to look it up just now while this is on my heart.  But the words are something like: "It's the inside outside upside down kingdom where you die to live and you lose to gain" I was pondering the word mandate just now-a word that I really started hearing a few days ago pertaining to a personal situation in my life.  I looked up the word and my favorite definition, the one I think applies to me is, "an order from a higher court or official to a lower one".  See, I feel that God has given me a mandate to stay home and pursue being a homemaker.  So if God has given this mandate to me, then He will be faithful to meet our needs, especially through finances.  It would make sense to go to work and earn extra money for the surgery that we are praying for. It would make sense for me to go back to work now that we are being threatened with court and possible child support.  But my God doesn't always work in what makes sense to us. If He has given me this mandate, He will provide for my needs.  And if I try to use what makes sense then I will miss the blessing He has for me and I think probably we still wouldn't have the finances needed as well.  God plus me is majority.  I would hate to be the person who goes against God's mandate. Just sit back and watch my God work in this situation.  I believe in miracles!

A Day of Rest

Bill and I put in place a day of rest a few years ago now,just one problem....it's on Sunday.  At the time we established Sunday as a day of rest we were both working M-F.  Sat. was our day to get stuff done around the house and take care of any business that we couldn't do during the week.  So, Sunday it was; however, we volunteer at church on Sundays, so does that count?  My husband says working with the kids is fun, not work.  I say, it is fun and work! It bothered me, but I didn't really feel like I had any other options.  I gave it to God and said, "show me".  Well, now that I am home during the week-I have more options.  I chose Monday as my day of rest.  The same Monday that never bothered me before to take it easy and not worry about accomplishing much is now the Monday that is finding all sorts of stuff that needs to be done.  Wow-who knew resting would be such a task. You'd think out of all the commandments this one would be in the bag-no problem. I guess I have some things to figure out like: What's considered work? What should one do when they are resting? Seriously, so far, having a day of rest feels like work-lol.  I will conquer this. I will.  I just need to practice resting so I can get better at it.

Bubbly

This song is the ringtone for Mr. Barnett a.k.a Billy Boy when he calls me.  I picked it because this is how I feel about him-all bubbly inside.  I love you Billy Boy!

V1: I've been awake for a while now
you've got me feelin like a child now
cause every time I see your bubbly face
I get the tinglies in a silly place

C: It starts in my toes
and I crinkle my nose
where ever it goes I always know
that you make me smile
please stay for a while now
just take your time
where ever you go

V2: The rain is fallin on my window pane
but we are hidin in a safer place
under covers stayin dry and warm
you give me feelins that I adore

C: It starts in my toes
make me crinkle my nose
where ever it goes
i always know
that you make me smile
please stay for a while now
just take your time
where ever you go

B: What am I gonna say
when you make me feel this way
I just........mmmmmm

C: It starts in my toes
make me crinkle my nose
where ever it goes
i always know
that you make me smile
please stay for a while now
just take your time
where ever you go

V3: I've been asleep for a while now
You tucked me in just like a child now
Cause every time you hold me in your arms
I'm comfortable enough to feel your warmth

C: It starts in my soul
And I lose all control
When you kiss my nose
The feelin shows
Cause you make me smile
Baby just take your time now
Holdin me tight

Where ever, where ever, where ever you go
Where ever, where ever, where ever you go
Where ever you go, I'll always know
Cause you make me smile here, just for a while

What matters to me matters to Him

One of my favorite heroes of faith is Bill Johnson.  I often hear him say, "what matters to you matters to God".  I like that.  I like that God cares about every aspect of my life-even the tiny stuff.  He's not too busy to care about what I care about.  My husband and I wanted to paint our house green.  We went to the paint store and picked out a green and then a golden trim color.  It was a great thing that the guy at the counter suggested we only buy small tester paint cans just in the case we didn't like it.  Because we sure did take them home, test them, and absolutely not like them.  So on the way back to the paint store I was thinking about those words-what matters to me matters to Him.  I asked my husband if we could pray that God would help us find the perfect paint, of course he said yes, so we prayed together.  Our second time home we put on the paint that we felt sure was right this time-and it was!  We love the green-it is absolutely perfect.  The trim color was a little more yellow than I had wanted, but day by day I am getting used to it and I really like it too.  Thank You God for caring about what matters to me.

You'll have to ignore the blue tape for now.  We are not quite finished.  My husband says we can get a red door too! I have always wanted a red door.  We are thinking cranberry red would be a great addition of color.

Hated

It's no fun to be hated.  Jesus did warn that since He was hated, we would be hated too.  So, I have been dealing with a person who has hated me for almost seven years now. I used to feel powerless and guilty because of the many, many accusations that this person threw at me and my husband.  Day in and day out finding every fault and magnifying it to no end.  I went through stress, anger, fear, anxiety...until I realized no matter how unjust this person chooses to be, it would be better for me to crawl on my knees to her house and ask for forgiveness for anything on my part and learn at all cost to love her than to continue living in the yuckiness that comes with fear and unforgiveness.  So, I fought hard for love and forgiveness for this woman to come into my heart. And God, who is ever faithful, delivered me and brought His love and peace.  I am learnig to trust HIM-not just believe that He can take care of the situation, but that HE will take care of it because He loves me.  He is a good God.  He will protect me.  I know I do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but some people allow themselves to be vessels for the enemey to work through.  This person is knowingly trying to stand in the way of my happiness and my dreams because she is miserable.  But little does she know, my happiness is not dependant on her or my surroundings.  It's no fun to be hated, but if you must hate me, you must.  But as for me, I don't hate you back. I trust Christ and He is trustworthy. No weapon formed against me shall prosper.  I will be happy and I will see my dreams come to pass.