Growing Up Step-Mom

    I"m thinking of writing a book called, "Growing Up Step-Mom"  Do you like that title?  I think I really like that title. My role as a step-mom has probably been the hardest job I have ever had.  Since I do not have natural children, quite yet, I can't compare.  But I have a feeling I will have an easier time mothering my natural children.  I guess natural children is the term I will use for now...even coming up with terms can be a task.  I"ve wanted to blog on this for awhile now, but I waited until I had a little more clarity in what I wanted to convey.  There are so many things I can share on this subject.  I think for this post I will pick two.  One will be a light-hearted cute story from my experience as step-mom, and the other will be a lesson that I'm just now learning-a lesson that has cut like a knife I must add yet so worth it.
    Okay, cute story first:  Like I said in my profile I married Mr. Barnett in 2003.  It was November to be exact.  So, May of 2004 was my first Mother's Day.  The Wednesday before Mother's Day I went to pick up the girls from church where, of course, they made Mother's Day gifts.  Breanna age 9 and Little Miss Blake who just turned 6 on the first of May came out with little cute potted-looking plants.  It turns out the little potted plants were really dirt cakes with fake plants on top and even had little rock candies.  Breanna sees me sticks out her plant and says, "Here I made this for you".  My heart leaped for joy knowing that she didn't have to give it to me.  She could have taken it home and given it to her mom.  Blake was kind of silent for just a small moment.  I thought maybe she was debating if she wanted to give it to me or her mom.  I didn't want her to feel that she had to give it to me so I didn't say anything.  Then this cute little new six year old looked up at me and said, " I made mine for you too, but you can't have it because I licked it all the way around".  Priceless- I know!  I suppose these are some of the things that keep a mom going.
    Now, for a lesson learned.  First, I might have to tell another story to set-up a better picture of how being a step-mom feels to me.  This story takes place maybe a year or two down the road from the previous story.  I think Blake was somewhere around 2nd grade which would put Breanna in about 5th grade.  It was the night of the children's Christmas play at church.  Breanna and Blake were adorable in their farmer outfits that I scoured the thrift stores to find....plaid shirts and overalls.  The eye liner freckles and pig tails I put on them definitely made them even cuter. I sat and watched them beaming from the stage their big smiles and eyes locked on their mom.  I realized at that moment that although I took them to and from probably 98% of the practices, found their costumes, and put together little baggies of snacks when it was their night to bring it I was not the person that they searched to find in the audience.  I remember realizing that night this would probably be a similiar story through out my role as step-mom.  I was determined to give them everything I had anyways.  I've put all I have into being a step-mom.  After more than seven years I'm learning that I am worn out.  The girls don't really make Mother's day presents anymore.  They are wanting to be around their friends more than their parents.  Yet, here I am still cooking for them, cleaning up after them, spending hours thinking about them, planning birthday parties and special events, and making sure they feel loved.  I am blamed for a lot of things I do not say or do.  Situations are exaggerated and one-sided when explained by them to other people.  I am rude to them, but they are never rude to me.  Their needs and feelings matter, but mine do not. They can make mistakes and be forgiven instantly, I make a mistake and they don't want to come over anymore.  A few months ago I said aloud to God, "I'm all out of love for them, I need more of Your love to fill me.".  I've been loving them the best that I've known how and now it's time to go deeper into love.  If you have ever tried to love in a hard situation then you know what I am trying to convey.  My role in their life is just as confusing to me as it probably is to them.  Being the adult in the situation does not mean that I know everything and that I am perfected to the degree of never losing it or at times being unloving.  And being children does not mean that you are innocent-those terms are not always interchangeable.  I think that statement becomes more true during teenage years which is where I am at right now with them.  Realizing that you are not as loving as you thought you were is painful.  And people love to point fingers and accuse.  But that's okay, because I will come out on the other side able to love people deeper than I am loved by them in return because I am emersing myself in the love of God and His Love Never Fails

Silence

I was silent for awhile.  Trying to figure some things out.  In a long process that has proven to be quite painful; however, I have full confidence that it will produce gold in me. So, maybe, you will see more posts from me soon....maybe.